“Anyone can become angry – that is easy, but to become angry using the right person, and also to the right degree and at the best time, but for the right purpose, as well as in the proper way that is not within everyone’s power and that is not easy.” Aristotle, 384 BC – 322 BC
Aristotle’s quote is probably among my favorite quotes about anger because of its many implications. I agree with him of all of his statement – the fact that it can be simple to get angry and the many ways to get angry; however, there’s some point that I don’t necessarily agree with – that is when he states that it’s not within everyone’s capacity to change how they get angry. We often tell ourselves that anger is definitely an uncontrollable emotion – that people “snapped” or said or did something because we were upset. I listen to it often from clients, colleagues as well as friends and family. We sometimes like to use anger to explain away our inappropriate behavior, as if we’re powerless to changing the way you react. And honestly, it does feel that way sometimes, but the good news is you can learn (with a lot of practice) how you can be angry Aristotle’s way. Within the book, Emotional Intelligence, the writer Daniel Goleman posits that Aristotle’s challenge is to manage our anger with intelligence. In the following paragraphs, I’ll identify how you can be angry intelligently.
The Right Person: Know WHO to become mad at!
Quite often we become angry or upset with this spouse or loved ones if we are really upset about something at the office. Or we chew the head from our co-worker but we are not really happy about what are you doing in your own home. Or give the cashier a hard time about the line, or being not fast enough, or not getting the peanut butter you arrived for, when you’re really mad at yourself.
All of these are classic examples of displaced anger. I understand this may not be proper grammar, however the idea is to “know WHO to be mad at!” In order to put it more succinctly, target your anger to its rightful owner. You will not solve the problem when you are upset with the wrong people. It ruins relationships, friendships, reputations and could even cost you your work.
Many reasons exist why we don’t express our anger to the right individuals. We may be intimidated by your partner, feel powerless, or might be unsure and/or not able to express ourselves and our anger effectively.
There are a few ways that you can use your anger intelligence to be angry with the right person.
o Uncover the “Real” issue – What are you actually upset about? I usually state that anger is really a secondary emotion and that there is another feeling beneath (hurt, disappointment, fear, confusion, etc.) that is driving the frustrations.
o Practice Assertive Communication – When you are upset with someone and you have a proven method, you are able to let them know how you feel within an appropriate manner.
o Have a Time Out – Knowing that you are stressed or upset about something, take some time to cool off or think about the issue before you decide to engage.
The Right Degree: Somebody look into the thermostat!
What does it mean to be angry to the right degree? It means how intensely you feel angry. Imagine listing all the anger inducing situations you encounter at the office on the thermometer. An amount you list at 5 degrees? What would you list at 50 degrees? An amount be at 100 degrees for you personally?
Check out an apparently benign issue of lacking ink within the printer. You’ll find that each person could have a different anger intensity with regards to a certain issue.
5 degrees – There is no ink in the printer. Regardless of, I can print later.
50 degrees – There’s still no ink the printer. I have to print this report before the meeting in two hours!
90 degrees – Okay, what idiot consumed all the printer and didn’t change it! I have to have this report printed and copied for 10 people in 15 minutes! This really is ridiculous!
Monitoring your anger intensity is probably the most important manner of anger management. It has been reported that having very intense anger for prolonged periods can attribute to severe health issues including hypertension, bloating, migraines, etc. Thus, look at your “anger temperature”, how “hot” have you been? What situations are at 70 degrees and may become more beneficial to you and those who are around you whether it was at 40 degrees?
As I always say, it’s okay to be angry…it’s natural and normal but as to the extent, degree or intensity will you allow it to take you?
The Right Time: Timing is important!
Maybe you have thought to yourself after saying something which may have been hurtful, inappropriate, or simply plain wrong: “I really should have waited to say that…” or “that wasn’t generate an income wanted that to be released…”. We sometimes have the best intentions – we all know What we should am getting at and WHY, but when we do say it, it comes down out not only the wrong way but our timing is much off! Quite often we wait until we’re at 90 degrees to express our feelings. This OFTEN happens in work… we wait for just the right look, word, or comment and as soon as it happens – we let them have it!
